Singleness, Dating & Marital Preparation

Lyndsey and I have been married for thirteen years, but I didn’t meet her until I was thirty-three. And so I spent more than ten years living as a single adult. I came to realize that singleness is many things at once: a gift from God, an opportunity to have more time to serve others, and, at times, both a source of great anticipation and frustrated desires. If you are a Christian who is single—whether by choice or not, whether you are dating or not—I offer two pieces of advice.

First, focus on loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30). And as an expression of your love for God, seek personal holiness and do the good work that he has for you to do, particularly as you serve in a local church (Matt. 5:16; Eph. 2:10; 1 Pet. 1:15–16). As a single man, I eventually became quite content, resolving to love God and love others for the rest of my life, regardless of my marital status. Soon after that point, however, God brought Lyndsey to a Bible study I was leading, and we got married seventeen months later. I rejoice that my focus was on God and serving him when I met her. By God’s grace, that set the tone for our relationship. The first evening we met, she bought pizza for the entire group, and we feasted. That also set the tone for our relationship.

Second, read about singleness, dating, and (if and when appropriate) marital preparation. But also study resources about marriage and parenting. For example, I have a friend who studied the major passages in the Bible about marriage (such as Eph. 5:22–33, Heb. 13:4, and 1 Pet. 3:1–7) before he felt comfortable pursuing a woman to marry. In his mind, he wanted God to evaluate his readiness, both to lead and serve in marriage, well before my friend brought a woman into the picture. Life is not always that linear, but his approach demonstrated wisdom.

Below are my favorite resources on singleness, dating, and marital preparation.

Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman (1 or 2): While this book does not establish a biblical foundation for marriage, Chapman outlines twelve broad truths that prepare you for marriage, including information on how to solve disagreements, handle money, and prepare for sexual intimacy.

*Not Yet Married by Marshall Segal (2 or 3): The author encourages both singles who are not dating and singles who are dating to stay focused on finding joy in God himself. Segal is such an insightful, engaging writer that all Christians will benefit from this book. Regardless of your marital status, soon enough you will meet someone who needs his wise counsel.

Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips (2 or 3): The authors present a biblical view of dating, one that explores God’s design in creation, humanity’s fall into sin, and redemption in Jesus Christ. An excellent book to read in conjunction with Thomas’s The Sacred Search (see below).

The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas (2): With nineteen short chapters, this book explores “the sacred search” from many perspectives, each with the wisdom and balance that is so characteristic of Thomas’s writing.

7 Myths about Singleness by Sam Allberry (2): Not only does the author debunk seven myths about singleness, but he does so by directing us to Scripture again and again. You will learn much more than how to think about singleness; you will learn about God himself and how to honor him, regardless of your marital status. He includes an appendix called “Four Ways to Avoid Sexual Sin,” which is worth reading and rereading.

*Preparing for Marriage by John Piper (2): Marriage and parenting eventually take us into choppy waters, and this book prepares you for that. Piper’s writing is clear, concise, and thoroughly God-centered. His appendix, “Some Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage,” provides excellent structure for premarital counseling sessions with a pastor or counselor. If you are considering marrying someone who shows little interest in questions like these, quickly move on from the relationship, as hard as it may be. Piper prepares you for the realities of marriage.

Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook by Jim Burns and Doug Fields (2): When I do premarital counseling for couples, this is one of the “required texts.” It does establish a theology of marriage, but it is packed with helpful questions and exercises.

*Marriage and the Family by Andreas Köstenberger with David W. Jones (3): Before we got married, Lyndsey and I read the longer version (4) of this book (in an earlier edition), and we are glad we did. The authors helped us to think biblically about topics such as marriage in the Bible, marriage and sex, and divorce and remarriage. You may find some of this information a bit heavy, but your effort and investment will be worth it.